Uncle Tom The President

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Human and animal limbs were hanging from trees, like leaves in springtime. Eyeballs, tongues, teeth and skulls floated in waves of blood and lava that flooded the corpse-saturated streets. The only sign of life for miles were the ravenous vultures that had returned for an unexpected breakfast feast. While this atrocity would have been breaking news and front-page headlines for most countries, human beings worldwide have a history of routinely elevating sensationalism above catastrophe. Across the continents, humans were exercising their sensationalistic prerogative yet again on the grandest stage for sensationalism known to man, America.

Mr. President, Mr. President, came the ubiquitous clamor from a herd of media personnel primed to stampede the President with questions.

Each media personnel were obsessed with the single thought of being the first to take the headline story back to their office. They abandoned their sense of reason, vacated decorum, evicted protocol and allowed pandemonium to move in.

Please, demands the President, in a tone befitting a Commander in Chief and immediately calming the crowd’s exuberance. We can probably all sing together and make a somewhat harmonious sound, but you are proof personified that we cannot all speak simultaneously and communicate.

You are beginning to give visual definition to the word chaos.

Thomas is 6 feet 2 inches tall and a walking talking billboard for the word yummy. You could get dizzy trying to decide which part of his anatomy to focus on first. Thomas has always attributed his health consciousness to his mother’s no-nonsense attitude regarding mental, physical and emotional well being. Thomas was the consummate athlete in college, excelling in every sport offered; yet turning down lucrative professional sports contracts to enter politics was inexplicable even to Thomas. From his seductive eyes to his voluptuous legs, he was as pleasing to look at, as he was to hear. Right now, his audience was impatient to do both.

Harnessing the crowd’s attention, as Thomas always does so skillfully, he prepares himself to anoint the recipient who will ask the question on the lips of millions of people around the world, the answer to which will be permanently etched in historical annuls throughout the universe.

During my candidacy, when I first introduced the idea of being called by my first name, the idea was embraced without resistance. When I was asked if I would like the first name calling continued into my presidency, should that occur, I answered in the affirmative. Now that I am the President, I am addressed as though I took a hypo critic oath. Let’s continue to keep it real, when we can.

Janice, continues the President, you have attended every one of my press conferences since the inception of my campaign. Your dedication to relevance goes unrivaled and your tasteful propensity for the provocative is always appreciated. Will you do the honor of christening my first post presidency question?

Without thought, because of years of anticipation and preparation, Janice stands and speaks unhesitatingly into the microphone. Thomas, how does it feel to be the first black President of the United States of America?

Every inkling of sound has just been swallowed whole by silence and found to be, temporarily at least, digestible.

Now was not the time for unsolicited ambiguity, this was the headline of the century. Now, every word must be heard and every gesture must be seen so that the interpretation of truth can be sprinkled amongst the sensationalisms concomitant to journalism. The answer to this much anticipated and expected question will reverberate around the world and become the most memorable moment in the lives of many listeners for life times to come.

Unaccustomed to considering how his words will be construed or misconstrued, Thomas always speaks from the premise from which he was taught. That premise being, honesty spoken judiciously, is always the best policy. Thusly he begins.

Janice, I have been black all of my life and on that topic I can dissertate endlessly. But, I have been President all of, glancing comedic ally at his watch, twenty minutes and the realities of the position are not yet mentally, emotional nor physically totally tangible. So, I will need a little more time before I can do that question justice. However, although I am in the initial stages of my presidency, I know that it is always, no matter what color or race you are, an honor and a blessing to be in a position to help lead your country in a healthy, positive and constructive direction.

Without diminishing the intrinsic power and authority of the presidency, the comfort level of the media room’s atmosphere has once again become Thomasinized. That is to say, that although Thomas is always in charge, everyone feels comfortably encouraged to participate.

How about you Ned, whose reputation is for asking endless questions, teases the president, any questions?

Thunderous laughter irrupts from the crowd.

What will be your first official act as president? Blurts Ned excitedly.

It was suggested to me, by a group of concerned citizens no doubt, that my first act should be that of addressing the name of the “White House,” jokes Thomas. I believe that if we look upon the White House figuratively, as it was intended to be looked upon, instead of descriptively, we can all see the inappropriateness of that act.

I must admit, expresses Thomas in an uncharacteristically stern voice, as he abruptly halts the questions, I have never been as disappointed in the media as I am right now.

Perplexity arrests the crowd. There have only been two questions, neither of which seemed capable of provoking such a stern statement from the President. In a room full of professional questioners, with hundreds of questions understandably still perched on their tongues, they stood starving for an explanation.

Many of you, continues Thomas, indeed most of you have been bombarding me with questions for nine months now. One of those questions has been asked with such predictable regularity, no, with predictable certainty, reassess Thomas. That I, not being a gambling man, thought that I had inherited the gamblers much coveted and sought after “sure thing.” So, I made an innocuous wager with the Secretary of State that I knew what the second question in this news gathering would be, especially since the whole world had already collectively orchestrated the first question.

A crescendo of laughter roars through the room with a domino effect as the answer slowly embodies the thoughts of each news representative still indulging the posture of scratching their heads, until they each begin awakening to the obvious.

All right, incites Thomas, being fully aware that the crowd and he are now mentally synchronized. What is usually the first question from your tongues before I can complete performing my introductory cordialities?

What is that question? Demands Thomas, his eyes riveting on the crowd and his right hand pounding the podium. What is that question that over the last five months has been asked more than those journalistic proverbials, why, when, what and who?

The crowd eager to display its perceptiveness answers with resounding unanimity, “where is Sylvia?”

Sylvia has made history in her own right by becoming the first woman Vice President in the history of America. Not to overlook the fact that she and Thomas are the youngest President and Vice President ever elected since the age requirement was lowered to 30 years, which they just barely made.

Sylvia’s personality is contagiously congenial. When she enters a room your eyes thank you and your heart rewards you with an extra beat.

She is the antithesis of the typical woman politician; she is not a woman trying to be a man, nor trying to dress like one. Her femininity is an asset to her position without being a distraction. Her penchant for style without flamboyance is gratifying, while at the same time accentuating and complimenting Thomas’ impeccably sophisticated fashion style. A style that has garnered both of them admiration, respect and much imitation throughout the world.

Sylvia and Thomas are the friends that everyone wants and the friends that everyone needs. Sylvia is everything to every woman. She relates to the essence of humanity to the extent that there are now literally thousands of Sylvia wannabes throughout the United States. Sylvia has always stressed beauty from inner being and outer simplicity. One of hers and Thomas’ many quoted mottos is “if you always keep it simple you never have to worry about it getting complex.” That idea spans the spectrum from life to death and everything in between. Sylvia and Thomas are the first President and Vice President candidates to publicize and encourage getting their clothes from discount stores instead of wearing designer named merchandise that cost hundreds of dollars just for the label.

Exploring the advantages of using discount stores was done with the intent of awakening people to the fact that clothes are for protecting the body against potentially harmful weather elements and maintaining decency, not for trying to impress others by exhausting your bank account.

In one of Thomas’ many campaign speeches he stressed the need for Americans to stop spending money that they do not have, to buy things that they do not need to impress people that they do not like.

During their campaign, Thomas and Sylvia fashioned two types of press conferences and the public clamored for them to continue that policy. The first conference was for the interaction with the press about informal issues of public concern, such as Thomas’ and Sylvia’s attention to practical spending, dressing, family life, recreational outings and fitness. It was televised. The other was strictly a formal political affair and was broadcast by radio only.

Sylvia and Thomas have taken similar political and personal paths.

They were both class presidents in high school, student body presidents in college and state senators. They started humanitarian efforts in high school with their no waste efforts in which they distributed unused and uncontaminated cafeteria food, that would normally be thrown out, to the homeless. Both established and worked for foundations that encourage and practice mental and physical fitness. One of their most sought after outreach programs, called introspection, is a counseling program were families gather to share ideas with one another, thus encouraging communication within the family.

Thomas and Sylvia have worked together on various issues of mutual concern, since they were children. They are never at a loss to appropriately interject humor into any situation, and by doing so have distanced the public from its heretofore perennial thoughts embedded in financial depression. The public seems to have embraced and found solace in, not to mention being thoroughly contaminated by, the unwavering dedication by both Thomas and Sylvia to revitalize the best in everyone and encourage doing everything for the benefit of all.

All right demands the crowd, where is she?

Probably placing the final touches on the outfit that she coordinated just for today’s press conference, suggest Thomas. Remember, today is the day that Sylvia is going to display how to dress the best for less. Her budget for today’s outfit was a generous $99.00. Although I have not seen the outfit, we all have become familiar with Sylvia’s flare for fashion, impeccable style and genius for economic wizardry in buying and coordinating clothes.

Thomas, begins one of the reporters, you have lived with Sylvia most of your life, how has her shopping affected you.

Living with two women for most of my life, my mother and Sylvia, who both have remarkable talents for designing and coordinating anything; but especially clothing; has given me a lifelong appreciation for clothing.

As I encouraged all men on my monthly fashion segment last week, if you have a wife, girlfriend, fiancé, sister, close female relative or anyone that enjoys shopping, and not just for clothing, and you want to enhance that personal relationship, learn to appreciate the art of shopping. Just like all of life’s creative endeavors, it truly is an art.

Your program last week really helped me out, admits one reporter. Last week was my wife’s birthday and I suggested that we go shopping at the malls.

Everyone in the room begins to laugh.

Don’t laugh, admonishes the reporter, after I resuscitated her, I learned a lot about what radiates her smile and what furrows her brow. The toaster and coffee pot I got her for her birthday the last two years both fall into the furrow brow category.

Once again laughter prevails amongst the listeners, but this time familiarity also tags along.

Thomas, what you said about relationships being a partnership with each party needing to participate in the experiences of the other to make it successful, was a jewel of a lesson for me to learn, and for my wife as well.

She finally realized why I have a dresser drawer full of brand new ties that I have never worn. Just by sharing in one another’s experiences, my wife also learned that a slam dunk is not just restricted to the use of a cup of coffee and a donut. I learned that a pump is not just a piece of equipment underneath the hood of a car but a style of women’s shoes and that panty hose is not something that you use to water the grass. Go figure that one if you can.

Wonderful, you learned something about each other. That is why it is so important that we talk to one another. By doing so we increase our abilities to help and understand one another. How did you men do in the weekend sports challenge?

There is an avalanche of silence.

Am I to deduce from that thunderously silent response that it was not as enthusiastically adhered to as some of the other challenges? Which caused you the most consternation, not eating or drinking until half time, to cut down on those couch calories or watching just two quarters and spending the other two with your family?

I did not realize how much loads of beer and pizza were a part of my sports watching ritual, confesses another reporter.

Or that deciding to forego two quarters to spend time with your family would necessitate the involvement of a rehabilitation center and crisis counselor, confesses yet another.

I am hearing that we still have some work to do, but remember we are supposed to be using our support system, that is one another, to strengthen us through our difficult times. Remember, those things that we achieve too easily we esteem too little. You will have plenty of opportunities to practice.

In America, fortunately or unfortunately, sports occur all year long. I know too many of you, those acts will constitute sports expatriation, but always remember, building a better America starts with developing better Americans.

I want to clarify something now, so that I do not hear it from Sylvia and other fine female athletes later. I am all too fully aware that there are just as many fine female athletes and sports fanatics as males, Sylvia being one of them. But, women do not seem to either possess the sports addiction of display that addition to the degree that is so prevalent in males. I have seen women talk on the telephone, leave a room and even switch the television channel on fourth and one with the game on the line; the score tied with 4 seconds left on the shot clock and the ball is just about to be in bounded. I have even seen them step away and answer the door bell while a birdie putt is on its way to the hole to decide the masters.

I have watched sports with both men and women enthusiast, continues Thomas, and men just seem to stay in a frozen state of anxiety no matter what the sport, score or prevailing circumstances. The balance and objectivity that a woman maintains in those circumstances is absolutely head scratching and mind boggling.

Thomas, commences another reporter, I did not realize how helpful your sports analogy is to relieving the strain and understanding the sports addiction. I told my weekend sports buddies that I was passing the challenge of engaging in more family interaction to all of them. I assured them that they would probably not score a touchdown with their endeavor the first time that it is tried because they will be tackled by resistance and adversities and probably fumble the attempt. But to find comfort and solace in knowing that one of their fellow sports fanatics will be close by to help them pick up that effort and keep sprinting toward their goal.

Yes, eagerly interrupts another reporter. It was actually excitingly visual to see common life concerns communicated in an easy to understand sports vernacular. As you know Thomas, I play a lot of baseball.

Yes, replies Thomas, you have played on some of our charity teams.

Yes, I have, and enjoyed doing so and I want to take this opportunity to thank you for providing such worthwhile venues for American families.

Thank you for your kind words. Replies Thomas, appreciatively.

I was explaining to my two children about overcoming disappointments in life and I used your suggestion of communicating from a point of familiarity so I used a baseball analogy since they both love to play baseball.

I told them that every opportunity in life is a call to step up to the plate and perform. You cannot, will not and are not expected to hit a home run every time at bat. Whether you bunt, walk or get a base hit, just make sure that you use that opportunity to start moving in the right direction, covering all bases in your journey until your reach your destination. Furthermore, I enlightened them to the fact that even if they strike out, to make sure that they use more discernment in their next at bat when deciding to go for it or to just let it pass. Most of all, to not allow themselves to be totally deceived nor discouraged by the change ups.

I am encouraged and thrilled at the commitments you and other Americans seemed to have embraced in reestablishing our family unit. It sounds like we are making progress and that is, after all, the intent of this administration. I have just been notified that Sylvia is approaching this press conference. I am certain that she is about to make more stores brace for millions of new customers across the country.

Thomas, spurts the voice of another reporter eager to share his partnership experience.

Yes, Clarence.

You are aware that my wife is a psychologist.

Yes, I read her two books, the last one out of hope or wishful male redemption in her sight. I do not know which one.

I know what you mean, I told her that her books suggest a total emasculation or castration of the male species and I do not know which one.

Ouch! Reflects Thomas, maybe both and that is an unsettling thought.

She has what I feel is a mind stimulating and thought provoking theory on why men are obsessed with sports, especially with the three major pastime sports, baseball, football and basketball. Before, I never thought to discuss the subject with her but your heartfelt suggestions of engaging in partnership and human communication in general; encouraged me to do so. Would you like to hear her theory?

Unequivocally yes. Mainly because she writes with bold but not reckless abandon on subjects that are apparently near and dear to her heart and to the hearts of many Americans according to the best seller list. But, because she also writes on some mature topics that our children viewers, and I am pleased to say that there are many of them, may not be mature or sophisticated enough to digest, let me make sure that this is not on my televised segment.

Thomas confirms with the television crew that it is not going to be televised and then encourages Clarence to continue.

My wife espouses the theory that the reason men relate so intrinsically to our most noted pastime sports, and indeed seem to be obsessed with them is because they are all played with balls. Balls are anatomically something which a male can and does easily relate. During the viewing of these games, there is an unequaled and unidentifiable subliminal sexual gratification to which only a male relates.

She further postulates that the premise of these games is sexual in nature because in baseball you have a pitcher whose sole intent is to throw a ball as hard as he can, repeatedly, at the balls of his catcher only to be intercepted by a glove baring a striking resemblance to a certain part of the female anatomy. She states that the exhilarating dilemma for males is that they receive gratification from both the strike and the homerun. The reason being is that on a strikeout the force, by which the ball enters the glove or female anatomical representation, is exhilarating. Conversely, if it does not enter the glove but instead is met with a tremendous compressing force of resistance from the bat, the male anatomical equivalent, it sends the ball soaring into climatic heights.

The room is filled with mesmerizing silence because it has been captured by unsuspecting fascination, eagerly awaiting further exposition.

She further postulates that the most thrilling play in basketball, baring none, is the slam dunk. According to her, the points scored would be just the same if males gently placed the ball through the hoop, but they find it sexually arousing to slam it through a slight opening just made for the ball’s penetration. Most males, she contends are not even aware of the vicarious sexual satisfaction that they are receiving during the course or intercourse of these games.

Her fascination and condemnation seems to be with football. She poses the question, why would any man bend over at the waist to allow another male to reach between his legs for an inordinate amount of time feeling for a ball amongst other balls until one of them indeed has snapped, not the ball, but the men? One of the more stimulating plays in football, for men she contends, is the pass. The reason for this being, that the spiraling football is led by a pointed tip that goes head first into receptive hands cupped in the form of the anatomical receptive part of the female body.

She finally deduces that the reason that such sports as bowling, golf or tennis are not viewed as arduously as the previously mentioned sports is because men prefer partnership or group activities and those sports are singularly played.

Clarence, deduces the President, somehow I do not think that any of our listeners here today, both male and female, will ever view those sporting events quite the same ever again. I know that I will not. I always seem to find some truth in your wife’s somewhat demeaning assumptions about men. They cause me to examine and then re- examine my thoughts and actions. How did you feel about that last statement in her most recent article, “marriage, man’s worse enemy?”

The one where she tells how a man can be on his honeymoon, with his I will love you for better or for worse until death do us part wedding vows still fresh on his lips, see a shapely woman in a bikini or otherwise revealing outfit and forget that he was ever married?

That is the one, confirms the President.

I do not know whether she will admit it publicly, but I believe the foundation of that story was from our honeymoon, 19 years ago. I have definitely learned and matured a lot since then. I told her that when it comes to her general beliefs about males that her poetic license should have been revoked a long time ago.

The president and audience laugh in kind. Your wife, continues the president, is without question a fascinating expositor of the facts as she sees them and at proclaiming relevant information to consider to substantiate her point of view. What intrigues me most are the boundless areas of possibilities she is willing to explore in search of truth and understanding.

Clarence looks sheepishly at the floor in obvious appreciation of the President’s comments.

On that profound note, I think that Sylvia’s timing is once again perfect.

Enters Sylvia.

Wow! Is the unanimous response as Sylvia glides breathtakingly into the room with a timeless look of grace, style, simplicity and perfection; wearing a delicate cotton dress that flows so gently with the contours of her movement that calling them angelic would be a harsh comparison. The dress is accessorized with a gold plated broach belt, and low heeled pumps to match.

Sylvia, gushes a reporter, you do not expect us to believe that you got that entire outfit for less than one hundred dollars do you?

Actually I expect you to believe that I purchased this entire outfit for less than ninety dollars, because I did. As usual I have the receipts and the name of the store where each item was purchased. We all know that no special discount considerations are ever given because of my governmental position. The receipts are provided just in case you women would like to purchase a similar outfit for yourself or you men might want to purchase one for that someone special in your life. I would like for everyone interested to notice that both the dress and belt are reversible and the shoes match both shades. Thus, you have two outfits for the price of one.

The intent of shopping for clothing or any other human necessity, is practicality, informs Sylvia. You do not want to spend so much on one outfit that it jeopardizes your ability to eat or pay your rent. With designer clothing you pay for the name on the label, not necessarily for the design.

You can usually find that same design or something pretty close to it, at your local department store or swap meet, for much less money. So, if you are into paying for designer labels, try sewing your own name into your clothing. Once you by them, there is no law against it.

As most of you know, the prerequisite for this outfit was the fitness program we started five weeks ago to either tighten the waist line or reduce it. All of us, men women and children alike are supposed to abandon those oversized t-shirts and baggy pants, which we have become so accustom to wearing; for at least a week or two. The intent is to reveal the natural contours of our bodies instead of trying to camouflage them.

All of you should know by now that I am neither a sexist nor a feminist, continues Sylvia. I have never been shy about expressing my personal feelings about matters of concern to me and the nation that I love, America. Women, you are constantly expressing to me that you are tired of your man always hanging out with the boys. Then stop trying to be one of the boys with those jeans and t-shirts just to get his attention. Capture his attention by exposing him to the fascinating world of femininity.



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